How is it Physically Possible to Combine Boobs, Beer and… More Boobs and STILL Suck? Let’s Ask ‘The Guy Game’ (VIDEO)

The Guy Game Header
Behold the bosomy horror of The Guy Game. Or, don't.

Now this is an abomination. In 2004, so a CNN special we once saw -while drunk, granted- claims, Satan was beset by a terrible case of constipation. Perhaps he hadn’t been diligently consuming those Bran Flakes of Evil his grandmother insisted he eat ‘to keep him regular’ (such dietary concerns can be neglected when you have a busy schedule of trident-acupuncture right in the dick to upkeep.) After copious quantities of Infernal Ex-Lax -Now with lava!- what was sent thundering down the Underworld u-bend to Earth? The Guy Game.

Alas, mocking anecdotes about the Devil’s faulty anus/massive shits are about as sexy as anything you’ll find in this digital ballache. We’ll concede, it’s replete with more bosomy ladyfolk and innuendo that you could shake your ogling-connoisseur gonads at, but it remains monumentally craptacular. The concept is simplistic-yet-arousing: A general knowledge quiz game with spring break revelers as contestants (of sorts). Depending on the mode, the question you answered will be posed to the women. An incorrect answer and they show their chesticles. All the while, our massively dickish-looking host dude wears a ludicrous amount of clothing-layers in the South Padre island heat. Perhaps to conceal his raging erection. We just don’t know.

 

The Guy Game  Box Art

Can you even conceive of a more dickish expression than this guy's? No. No you can't. Image source: www.giantbomb.com

The ‘hilarious’ raunchery is regulated by a flash-o-meter. As you tax your brain cell/tight pants to the limits of its/their endurance, the meter will ascend from short and chubby to super stiff. The boobitude will first be obscured by twin The Guy Game logos, then a thoroughly bollocks blurring effect presumably imposed by a half-witted four year old on a Paint program. When it becomes super stiff (and you’ve also filled the in-game meter, naturellement) they will be unfettered, fully revealed and softly bouncing as nature intended.

Well, allegedly. Because three eighths of a nanosecond of piss-poor, cataract-o-vision idiocy does not titillation make. This is the kind of scene that will generally unfold:

“What is the square root of 100?”
“Fifty… five? I don’t ‘effing know. But look at my boobs! Look at them! Look!
AT MY TITS!
At this juncture, the unfortunate bastard who exchanged actual money for this heap of horseshit replies in his chagrin: I would, but the image quality sucks so righteously that they look like two housebricks.

In summation, as a frat-tastic peepshow, it bites. As a quiz video game, it bites like one of those crazy fish that can chew through a ship’s anchor -the name of this angry little bastard eludes us, but it’s still true). Your three narrators -why in the name of Satan’s sweaty crotch do we need three?- are all seemingly competing for ‘Irritating Dude With a Penchant for Asshole-ism of the Year 2004. Upon selecting your character (from a Meet the Babes menu, a deceptive title as they all resemble terrible, terrible drag queens/somebody’s elderly aunt with her tits half-out/an ungodly cross between the two), she’ll give you the middle finger on the loading screen for no fathomable reason.

Most preposterous of all: In these four-player frolics, in descending score-rank order, you will be dubbed the President, the Vice President, the Treasurer or… the Asshole. For being this appalling and having the chutzpah to actively take the piss out of the player while doing so, The Guy Game, we salute you.

There’s an menu option to toggle Ballz on or off. This did not, lamentably, have the effect of making this abomination any less tolerable. They must not have meant that literally.

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