If there’s one thing upon which we would always wager our wangs, even in the fledgling grip of the befuddling new world of 2013, it’s internet idiocy. Whether you command that faster than a speeding bollock fiber-optic broadband, or you have a clockwork dial-up modem invented fifty years ago in Soviet Russia, which requires an incontinent donkey running in an immense hamster wheel-esque contraption to stutter into faltering life, you’re connected.
As such, we all have access to a veritable smorgasbord of knowledge, constituting all of mankind’s collected wisdom (NASA have, I believe, fired a shit-tastic old laptop from 1994 into space, so as to share the gift of many, many facts with any inquisitive extraterrestrials that might cruise by. It’s an act of mercy, those poor bastards cannot purchase decrepit Volkswagen Beetles on eBay -or behold surreptitiously-taken videos of pensioners in the shower at saggyoldbastards.com- without our help!). It’s a formidable tool, and we wield it with… nonchalance and/or apathy, mostly.
With great power comes great responsibility, the old dude from the Spiderman movie once proclaimed. As Peter Parker was (not) heard to reply, “Nuts to that, I want to use this great power to send bogus spam emails, alleging that I am selling pharmaceuticals to those that can’t retain erections without medical aid. I’m also going to watch some horse porn.”
While the internet is a boundless source of information, it is also a haven for those with (as our kindergarten teacher Mrs. Langham would put it) a heap of horseshit where their brains should be. In lieu of any legitimate knowledge, these guys will spread their own brand of B.S anywhere in the digital realm they can. Wikipedia remains semi-respectable/informative because it is policed by an elite squad of inter-nerd assassins, liable to rappel into your home and smite you in the genitals with a shovel if you mess up their wiki-entries.
Urban Dictionary, conversely, has adopted a humorous/farcical approach to propelling knowledge-nuggets into our shining, eager faces. As such, it sucks donkey dick if you want to actually… y’know, learn shit. As you’d expect from a site that defines boobs thusly:
“The softest, squishiest, warmest, most perfect thing imaginable. And guess what? They come in pairs :).”
Here, then, Kotaku presents an array of its entries pertaining to our favorite video games. Fear not, it won’t be educational.
Halo, as defined by user Dev:
1. without this game most guys would spend most of their time masturbating
. code word: group, all male, masturbating.
. electronic circle jerk, multiguy mission.
. Pedro, come over we’re gonna play Halo.
-Okay I’ll bring the tissues.
Call of Duty, as defined by TheGreatestManThatEverLived:
An amazing way to keep your virginity
Girl: Hey, you wanna come over?
Guy: Nah im playing call of duty
Gears of War, as defined by user Dirty Monkey Sex:
The only game on the market that lets you curbstomp people.
-Loserkid: Gears of War is so GAY!
-Cool Kid: You can curbstomp people.
-Loserkid: …Gears of War is so AWESOME!!
Thanks, Kotaku, and thanks guys. It’s been… preposterous.