Dear Jeffrey Jacob ‘J.J.’ Abrams,
First of all, let me say how gracious and classy it was of you to grant a dying man’s last request to see an early cut of Star Trek into Darkness. To quote the great James Kirk himself, ‘It should be noted, in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world.’ And I’m sure you checked with this guy’s doctors, read the medical reports, did exhaustive testing to make sure it wasn’t just a big hoax to break the news online whether B. Batch is playing a form of Khan or not,
So, as long as we’re giving out early screenings of the new Star Trek movie, let me just take a moment of your time and explain why I also deserve one. While I may not be ‘dying’, I too live a life of struggle. For one thing, I went on Friday to get a haircut and the woman butchered me like Sweeney Todd. Just hacked all my locks off. I mean, a blind man could’ve done a better job. Much in the way that Keri Russell’s haircut ruined your show Felicity and led to its cancellation, I now feel likewise, that this haircut has led to my social life being cancelled. See? We’re sympatico you and I.
Also, and this is the worst, If I don’t jiggle the handle after I flush my toilet , it’ll run all night and keep me up. And it’s a really long walk to bathroom from my bed. And if it’s really cold I certainly don’t want to get out of bed to fix it. Do you know how grating that can be? Not to mention the fact that last week I took this girl out on a date. Thought we had a nice time and really hit it off and then I called her to take her out again and she never got back to me. Stuff like that can really hurt your self-confidence, ya know, J.J.?
And most importantly, everyone knows you shroud your movies in secrecy. And hey, no one’s better at keeping a secret than me. I still haven’t told anyone that it was Mike Corso who shat his pants in second grade and tossed the soiled undies into the girl’s lavatory. So you won’t have to worry about me giving away any spoilers. So for these reasons and more, I implore you J.J., let me see an early cut of your newest movie. Or at the very least just tell us whether or not the villain is Khan, God damn it!