The Christmas Craptastic: Holiday Video Game Turds Even Grandma Would Middle-Finger

Our sentiments exactly, beardy dude.

Here we flail, ineffectually, ballsack-deep in the holiday season. The largest annual shitstorm of commercialism on the calendar evokes a Black Friday-esque orgy of rabid dudes punching each other in the genitals to get at the action figure that little Jimmy beseeched dad for (much like the shenanigans betwixt Arnold Schwarzenegger and that fat mailman from Jingle All the Way. A movie which, incidentally, is still repeated each year on 1,000 different TV stations and is still utterly, dick-droopingly shit-tacular).

Should you deign to enter a mall at this time, every possible outlet will been festooned with -alongside the obligatory festive paraphernalia- huge-ass neon signs to the effect of, ‘GET YOUR ASS IN HERE! BUY SOME OF OUR SHIT! AND WHEN YOU’VE DONE THAT, BUY MORE OF OUR SHIT! REMEMBER YOUR ELDERLY AUNT MAUREEN THIS TIME, YOU HAD TO GIVE HER THE BODY-HAIR TRIMMER INTENDED FOR YOUR BROTHER LAST YEAR. SHE WAS, AS I’M SURE YOU RECALL, PRETTY DAMN PISSED ABOUT THAT. TRY TO GET YOURSELF BACK INTO HER WILL THIS CHRISTMAS, EH, BUDDY BOY?’ Presumably this was written in tiny cramped script/upon a store window the size of Texas, but it’s pretty much the gist. Further, during this time of goodwill, merriment and potential alcohol poisoning/egregious cash-grab, video games are perhaps the most abused medium of all.

Santa 2

"He's wearing a Santa hat! Therefore... I MUST BUY THIS GAME!" "Dude, don't be a massive dick all the time."

Whichever holiday you are celebrating, it’s safe to venture that some unscrupulous bastard has created a downloadable game, DLC package, app, or add-on dedicated to it. ‘Developed’ in a span of about thirty seconds, whilst taking a piss, presumably. Much of the aforementioned products were expelled from Satan’s anus the day he took that Ex-Lax overdose (and you don’t want to use the underworld bathroom after that great bastard at the best of times, the stench has melted many a demon lackey’s face right off) and continue to be unleashed upon us unfortunate mortal flesh-sacks on an annual basis; a veritable Pandora’s Box of turdtacular ineptitude.

Before we continue mocking like the merry mocksters of mock that we are, what are the egregious sins committed by Holiday-themed games? Largely, the same damn ones perpetrated by movie tie-in titles. As ardent gamers will attest, any blockbuster film will be heralded by a -generally utterly and thoroughly bollocks- officially licensed appearance on every console in the cosmos. You can wager your wang that it’ll ascend to the top of bestseller lists worldwide, however woeful it may be. As such, developers could take a dump in a game case, and its astronomical sales would endure as long as it had the Pirates of the Caribbean logo emblazoned upon it. This -metaphorically- is exactly what the bastards do.

Santa 1

Elf Bowling: the steaming heap of horseshit Santa leaves for only the nastiest, most The Omen-est children. Image Source: www.syix.com

As do these bastards (a different set of bastards, but equally bastardly). Sometimes they’ll deign only to add a snowy re-skin to an existing product, or produce a video game replete with a lifespan of about seven minutes (“Hi, Elf Bowling! How are you? Still shitty? I suspected as much.”). The most flagrant middle-finger to us and our money was Angry Birds Seasons, the expansion which indulged in Chinese New Year, Christmas, Halloween and other such themes. Naturellement, nothing short of a bevy of bullets to the bollocks could stop the meteoric ascent of Angry Birds, but Seasons remains a hilariously blatant example of the ancient adage, Build it, and they will come. A sentiment we’d amend to Gratuitously add the word ‘Santa’ or ‘Christmas’ to the title, and they will purchase the latest barrel of bollocks you’ve freshly plucked from Lucifer’s sweaty crotch.

Santa Rockstar? Balls to Santa Rockstar.

Comments