Spiderman Is Dead…But Not Really

Spiderman is dead. Well, as dead as a multimillion dollar earning super hero ever is. (Spoiler Alert) In the latest issue of the The Ultimate Spiderman, Peter Parker is killed by The Green Goblin. The thing is that Peter Parker is only dead in the subset Ultimate Universe and not in the real Marvel universe. It’s like saying, “I deleted my Facebook profile to get away from annoying high school friends, therefor Jack Tomas is dead.” But even Ultimate Spiderman isn’t totally gone as Dr. Octopus is inhabiting Peter Parker’s body. Nerds across the world got their Spidey underroos all twisted about the death of this fake reporter/insect-human. It’s reminiscent of when DC killed Superman for a few weeks and later killed off Captain America Steve Rodgers. In comics no one ever really dies.

I understand that it’s a fantasy world where radioactive spiders give people superpowers instead of cancer. But just once I’d like to see a comic book company really kill off a major character. Not some minor douche Captain Hoobijoob that was in two issues. The only time they came close is when they killed off Jason Todd, the second Robin. The only reason they had the cojones to do it is because the fans voted to kill off the little runt. It’s nothing new. In 1893, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle tried to kill off Sherlock Holmes but was forced to resurrect him because fans got their handlebar mustaches and whale bone corsets in a tizzy. I do understand why the comics companies hesitate, though. Nerds don’t like change. Most nerds aren’t “geek chic” like Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, or me. They mostly live lives of quiet desperation working boring jobs and masturbating to Japanese tentacle porn. The one constant in their lives, besides Totino’s Pizza Rolls, is their beloved characters. Still, I’d love it if they really killed someone off. Maybe Aquaman. Would a guy whose super power is controlling fish really be missed?

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