We'd hate to leave our pagans out this holiday season. We know that between Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanza you find yourselves without so much as a Peanuts-inspired holiday special to lend credence to your cult of the Sun God and your bacchanals to the winter solstice. December 25th is, after all, the birth of Sol Invictus, the late Roman sun god. What a coincidence!
My soothsayer tells me that pagan celebrations actually share a lot in common with our modern-day Christmas. Not only did they celebrate the birth of their god on December 25th, but during the winter solstice festival people would festively go out in the streets to sing songs (caroling) and eat pastries made in the sheep of people (gingerbread men). The Puritans even banned celebrating Christmas in Massachusetts in the mid-17th century because it bared too much of a resemblance to its pagan forebears. Of course the Roman versions all ended with huge, dramatic city-wide orgies. And while none of these broke out at Aunt Esther's last year, you never know.
So hold your loved ones close this year, sacrifice that goat from your fields to the gods above and add a little paganism into your Christmas celebration by pleasuring each other while your eunuch plays delightful tunes on his lute in the corner. Happy holidays, pagans!