Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby.
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From the Desk of Bill Swift, Editor, Egotastic.com and TheRudeThingsIDoToPlasticGirlDolls.com
To Whom It May Concern:
While media reports continue to circulate surrounding potential paternity of the newly announced pregnancy of Kate Middleton, I must strongly and completely almost kind of maybe deny any involvement in the production of the heir to the Windsor Royal Family.
While I will not deny talks earlier this Spring regarding the potential assist of my highly potent spermatozoa for exploiration by the Duchess of Cambridge as her marital coupling with Prince William continued to produce no child month after month, nor will I deny being on the English Isle during the late summer and early fall of this year consuming nothing but oysters and mango-yohimbe root smoothies for two weeks straight, nor can I deny semi-frequent private meetings between the Duchess and myself for late evening kinky lingerie personal modeling sessions, nor will I go on record as denying that I know how babies are made and have practiced their production since the age of seventeen, fifteen if you count a 'tip' dare at computer camp with Lisa Espinoza, but, on this especially joyous day for The Royal Family and the Kingdom of Great Britain, I have nothing further to say, oh, other than you won't find any stains ON Kate Middleton's blue dress she wore on or about August 28.
Any additional questions regarding the absolutely almost entirely false assertion that I may have just singlehandedly, actually, no-handedly (but I like to show off), saved the Windsor Family line, should be directed toward my attorney at LegalZoom.com
Thank you for your time.