Are there any dudelier dudes anywhere than the Egotastic! readers? Quite possibly the Neanderthals, actual science tells us those hairy bastards spent their days stabbing Tyrannosauruses in the anus with their crudely-fashioned spears and lamenting the fact that their womenfolk had as much body hair/odor as they did. None of us can compete with that shit. Only great mounds of fossilized excrement remains from those guys, though, so we shan’t be pernickety on that score. Suffice it to say that the Ego-readers are the most mantastic legions in the cosmos.
As such, from the lofty pinnacle of Mount Masculine (where switching the channel to Lifetime TV -even straying upon it in erratum- is punishable by instantaneous castration. Lesser transgressions, such as utilizing an emoticon in your online missives, warrant only an afternoon’s visit from the in-laws) that we’ve ascended together, we need your help to determine history’s manliest movie star. Grab your beer, unbuckle your pants, commandeer the sofa and behold our inaugural nominee: Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Warning: today’s entry is rated EP for Excessive Piss-takery.)
One pertinent prerequisite of a bollocks like cannonballs badass action hero is a formidable physique. Schwarzenegger qualifies with aplomb, as the bodybuilding stalwart’s seven victories in the Mr. Olympia contest will attest. For this majestic feat, incidentally, he was presented with a t-shirt bearing the legend, ‘Shit yeah. I’ve got more muscle in my dick than you do in your whole body.’ Except he wasn’t.) The erstwhile Mr. Universe has become lamentably sag-tacular since those illustrious days -as is plain in the low-budget porn he made this year, entitled Hasta la Penis, Baby- but the angry Austrian is one pensioner that could presumably still kick asses and take names as the whim took him. The poor old bastard may need to don his reading glasses before adding said names to the little notebook he carries around, but this is a big guy right here, as we hope we’ve established.
Nonetheless, the ability to kick German Shepherds over the roof of the apartment block opposite, as though they were mere midget chihuahuas, counts for naught if you aren’t garnished with the appropriate mantastic roles. Fortuitously, Arnie’s repertoire constitutes such manly man-fodder as Conan the Barbarian, Terminator I-III, Predator, The Last Action Hero and Commando, all of which were lampooned by The Expendables and its sequel. In summation, then, the message is clear: if there’s a malevolent miscreant to be shot in the groin, as a shitstorm of gratuitous explosions and expletives ensue, Schwarzenegger is your man.
If there’s an impending catastrophically abysmal Christmas ‘comedy’ from the depths of Satan’s sweaty anus, he’s apparently also your man, as Jingle All the Way will attest.
The final element that renders the exalted Schwarzenegger among the pantheon of manly movie stars? His inimitable penchant for one-liners. Nobody, in the history of celluloid, can dispense lines like the monotone maestro. We’ll concede, this is due more to his accent/enunciation than any manner of acting prowess (it’s much the same in his home life: “HEY, WIFE-LADY. I WANT A SANDWICH. YOU WILL MAKE ME MY SANDWICH.”), but it’s wondrous to behold regardless. The above compilation of hilarity is testament to the glorious exchanges we owe to this guy. A few choice cuts from the delectable cow’s ass of glorious manly steak therein includes:
“This Green Beret’s gonna kick your big ass.”
“I eat Green Berets for breakfast. Right now I’m VERY HUNGRY!”
“Get to the CHOPPAH!”
“I do not want to touch his ass.”
“I am not shitting on you.”
“I need your clothes, you boots, and your motorcycle.”
“For the first time in my life I am… PISSED OFF!”
Take a look at his remarkable array of ‘chill out’ puns as Iceman in the Batman movies, you’ll shit. Another fervent middle finger to Jingle All the Way, then, and a salutation to the dudely wonderment of Schwarzenegger. Incidentally, rejected titles for that porno that he certainly did not make this year include ‘You’ll Be Terminated… By My penis,’ ‘I’ll Be Back… and So Will My Penis’ and ‘Get to MY ‘Chopper.’’