But as we’re sure you can all attest, the woman has a remarkable penchant for tightening dude-pants from whole continents, and presumably galaxies, away. It’s her raunchy superpower. We’d prefer the ability to wear garishly-hued speedos over our tights without fear of ridicule as Superman can, but fate has to give someone the righteous middle finger.
Bountiful bikini bouncing wonderment with Wii Fit awaits above, with which you can opt to content yourself (or fondle yourself, in the nuts, as the case may be). The more enterprising gentlemen among us can continue reading our guide to the oftentimes shit-tacular realm of motion controlled gaming. This week, behold a scant array of titles that don’t suck harder than the combined contents of your local vacuum cleaner emporium.
Sony’s EyeToy -and its progeny, PlayStation Eye- was quite a revolution upon its conception. In 2003, three years prior to the Wii’s release, this monstrosity was introduced. With an appearance akin to a standard webcam, you would be forgiven for speculating that the device was intended only for uploading photographs of your genitalia onto the internet (by which we mean you would not be forgiven. Even a little bit. Fie upon you, foul deviant! Unless you were completely pissed at the time, in which case we’ve all been there. Many, many times.) and/or galvanizing media scandals by perving about on a laptop, a la the finger-sucking shenanigans of that English actor dude.
On both counts, you would be heinously, egregiously, very wrong indeed. Instead, tentative steps into a craptastic new milieu of ball-achingly dire minigames were now possible! (Hence the slogan for those old commercials: ‘EyeToy: Play- So appalling it’ll induce sad, sad tears of sadness and blood from your despairing eyeballs.’ Quite plainly, a decade ago, Sony were at the cutting, look at my massive bollocks of PR wisdom edge of advert blurb-making). The device was redeemed somewhat by the family-friendly frolics of such business as EyePet, which surfaced later on PlayStation 3. Infused with the motion-detecting sorcery of PlayStation Move, PlayStation Eye and PlayStation Don’t Put That Shit On Now, Little Jimmy! I Don’t Care If it’s Your Birthday, I’m Watching the Game! With No Pants On. Again, we’ll have to concede that this was mildly, fleetingly entertaining. Your deformed, diminutive monkey-freak, which -get this!- wasn’t actually there at all, was rather endearing, and the capacity for interaction was fairly extensive. For parents that don’t want puppies licking their crotches and pissing on their electronics, here was an innocuous substitute that wouldn’t shit on your pillow. It could even amuse us gamer dads for well beyond three-eighths of a nanosecond. Huzzah!
In an earlier iteration, we derided the early Wii releases like the mocking mocksters of mock that we are. During that inaugural holy shit, this is technology that could melt our delicate brain-meat period, developers were not above incorporating a scratching your bollocks on the couch minigame to bolster their title’s motion compatible quotient. Nonetheless, this isn’t to say that these offerings weren’t enjoyable. The release game Red Steel, in which we stab angry Japanese dudes in their blood-bleeding faces, utilized a quite magnificent Wiimote-flailing katana combat component. It was laughably crude, unresponsive and limited, but we didn’t know that. In 2006, this was akin to presenting a Neanderthal with a laptop. (“This is... all kinds of holy shit,” the hairy bastard proclaimed. “This porn is wondrous, there is no body hair on these women! If I want sex with my wife, I have to shave her back with a lawnmower first. Whatever they are.”) It was not until the Wiimotes were augmented by Wii MotionPlus that our movements were actually conveyed accurately, as we’ll see next time.