What We Can Expect from a Hipster Twinkie

Will PBR Save Twinkie?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Everyone put the Y2K bunker-sized stash of Twinkies you’ve been hoarding all week down and listen up. It looks like you may still be able to give yourselves Type 2 Diabetes on the schedule you planned by shoving the sponge-based cakes down your gullet along, as Hostest, the obese treat maker, may be saved by going out of business…with a hipster twist. Bloomberg is reporting that C. Dean Metropoulos & Co., the company that owns Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, favorite to hipsters everywhere, is reportedly considering acquiring Hostess Brands and keeping them in business. And as we all know, PBR is the beer of choice for the hipster generation, those wealthy trust fund 20-somethings who wear clothes ratty enough to tear if someone farts too powerfully and who buy the cheapest beer possible even though they live off a healthy per diem courtesy of their parents.

So it will only be a matter of time before the hipsters claim the Twinkie as their own. And let’s face it, not only is this good news, but it’s been a long time coming. Twinkies are incredibly unhealthy for you, are tasteless and are so full of chemicals that they can survive for centuries well after all humans are gone. So of course one could only really ironically eat one. And who better to do anything for the sake of irony than hipsters. And look at Twinkie the Kid. The hat. Those boots. And a handkerchief around his neck?? I think that guy tried to sell me some used vinyl EPs at a flea market downtown last weekend.

You can probably expect to see Twinkies repurposed for any number of things. A Twinkie corset worn out to a Black Keys concert? Twinkie earrings? A vinyl record cozy made out of Twinkies that have been glued together and glossed with industrial adhesive? Point being, as much as people complain about hipsters, they are the vultures of our culture, circling around the corpses of dead trends and swooping in to resurrect them. So while you may complain about their malaise and general lack of enthusiasm and total misconception of what ‘irony’ means, they are good at bringing things back from the dead, so thank them next time you step on the scale after eating a box of Hostess’ Twinkies.

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