R.I.P Twinkie

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Twinkies are no more. The legendary Hostess company is shutting down after a year in bankruptcy and a crippling strike. They will be laying off their 18k employees and selling off their properties. Historians usually point to Nero’s burning of Rome as the moment the Roman Empire began its decline. This moment is clearly the nadir of American civilization. No more Twinkies, Ho Ho’s, Hostess Cupcakes, and Dolly Madison snack cakes. Also the classic loaf of Wonderbread will become extinct. Parents will now be forced to make their kid’s PB&J’s out of non-enriched chemically enhanced bread.

Sure, it will probably help cut down on obesity and heart disease to not have the Twinkie clogging arteries with their delicious cream filling. Still, I can’t help but feel like we have lost something wonderfully American. Hostess has been part of our lives for 85 years. Future generations will not have the joy of munching on a pair of Zingers from the school vending machine before class. I remember sharing a pair of the Hostess cupcake with a girl I liked in the third grade. What will kids use to bribe a girl into talking to them? Hummus? Come on. I suggest you head to your nearest gas station and get your last taste of cream filled freedom.

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