Wow. Five weeks in to the Little Creatures-Big Brawlers Tournament of Champions already. Things are moving pretty quick through these opening rounds before we finally move on to the semi-finals to see who will eventually face off against the Hobbits in time for December’s The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey to see who is truly King of the Mountain. Or, should I say King of the Hill. Or, Dwarf of the Slight Incline.
To recap last week, we almost felt bad watching that au pair of Elora, the wollopin’ Willow lay a beat-down of mythological proportions against the Eternian elbow-thrower, the dimension-travelling dynamo, Gwildor, who succumbed to a brain hemorrhage after Madmartigan’s protege was told that Elora Danan was hiding beneath Gwildor’s beard and he laid waste to the trinketer’s skull. Gwildor tried to escape the beating with his Cosmic Key but unfortunately played the wrong tune, vanished, and then reappeared in the same place.
Today we move onto Round Six of our miniscule showdown of the biggest little fighters in the world. Will the Lilliputians find the strength of the Brobdingnags within themselves? Or will the Borrowers barter themselves some force and crush Gulliver’s tiny friends. Let’s check in with our two competitors to find out.
The Borrowers: Borrowers? Let’s call a spade a spade–Borrowers? How about Scavengers? The Borrowers are the vultures of the tiny person world, circling the dead carcass of what us big people toss aside. Haven’t you been wondering where that thimble went? Some schmuck in your attic is using it as table to serve some playful amuse bouche to their dinner guests. The Clock family may seem a bit aloof, but they’re crafty and can basically be MacGuyver, turning a ball of yarn into a zip line to dropkick you straight into your nuts. They’re kind of like that scene in Schindler’s List when the smuggler are digging up stashes of caviar and cheese from underneath a marked train track in the middle of Poland. The real messed up thing though is that to the Borrowers, you are the Nazis. Kinda makes you think, don’t it?
The Lilliputians: They may be tiny, but that doesn’t mean they can’t get a Man-Mountain in their grasp. And it may take two-hundred of these guys to pin you to the ground after you’ve washed ashore, but they’ll get the job done. They’re like roaches these guys. And as satirical representations of the British military, they’re well trained, well armed and have no peripheral vision when it comes to their orders. Whatever his royal majesty tells them to do, they’ll do it. And they’re still suck living in the past, before it was illegal to hit your wife, beat your slaves and look down on anyone who wasn’t part of the royal court.
And the winner is…
I know it sounds like an easy victory for the Lilliputians, but guess what? This was a Clock family victory all the way. And you know why? Well you have to look no further than the American Revolution. It was the militia that won that war for us–Guerrilla fighters in the woods, striking against the Red Coats because they were too narrow-minded to not fight the way they’d been taught. All the Borrowers had to do was not stand in a straight line when the Lilliputian army was lined up to fire and they managed to pull off a victorious surprise attack just like that scene from The Patriot, with surprisingly as much anti-semitism as Mel Gibson for some strange reason.