As we beheld last week, the tentpole-tastic wonderment of underwear-clad Wii-playing is the USP of motion sensing gaming (not you, portly dude in those shitstained Superman briefs you bought from ComicCon. Put your pants back on). Egregiously, Nintendo seem set to curtail our enjoyment of this phenomenon with the impending Wii U.
Take a look below at the sobering plight of motion gaming, and just what we’ll lose if it is to be taken behind the stables, given oats and shot in the face like an elderly racehorse. Alternatively, you can proclaim giant gorrila bollocks to that and behold another installment of jiggly joy above, provided by Sexy Girls Diary. Gentlemen, start your ogling!
The fathers of family-friendly frolics, as we know, have developed the chunkilious and much-derided tablet controller for the new console; making its inaugural appearance in the US on November 18. This behemoth of a peripheral (which presumably doubles as a manner of fighting off bears that encroach on your home, eat all your oreos and shit on the floor, a common menace that Nintendo are wisely addressing here) isn’t particularly conducive to the flailing your limbs about in a humiliating manner shenanigans that defined the fledgling stages of the Wii’s life.
Upon its release, gamers/pensioners/simpleton cousins that drool on their shirts and talk to their car keys alike were enamored by this technology. The ubiquitous Wii Sports was played in as strenuous a manner as the activities’ real-life counterparts. Huge theatrical tennis/baseball swings and bowling motions were employed, and strain and concentration levels were so elevated that several players shat themselves mid-round.
Except they didn’t.
Alas, it swiftly became apparent that a leisurely wrist flick would suffice to initiate whichever move was appropriate. Did our friends in the Land of the Rising Wang deign to mention this? They did not. Perhaps a warning could have been emblazoned on the case of every console shipped, something like: ‘Don’t be a dick. Stay on the couch, feel your ass grow, and perform the kind of twitch you’d employ if a fly landed on you. There’s no need to prance about like you’re on Broadway/fire.‘
Therein lies the gimmickry of motion-gaming. Oftentimes, it’s merely substituting a simple button press with something infinitely more convoluted, merely because the technology is capable of it. Witness this young lady, crouching like a dog taking a shit with the ‘Wiimote’ above her head. She is performing the squats minigame in preposterous party title WarioWare: Smooth Moves. Are her compatriots behind awestruck by her gaming prowess? No. They’re saying, “She looks effin’ ludicrous. let’s not be friends any more. Indeed, let’s pour water on her hand tonight during the slumber party, so she pisses in her sleeping bag.”
Did you spare a thought for this kind of inevitable urine-soaked situation when you unleashed the console upon us, Nintendo? DID YOU? Won’t SOMEBODY think of the children? (Or, more specifically, their parents, who must bust out the mop at 3am.)
Check back for more gently-gyrating ladyfolk in their skimpies and motion-control piss-taking as the Wii U approaches.