Three things that are guaranteed to happen here today (1) I’m going to lose bets on all three football games, (2) I will drink way too much of the whiskey-spiked cider and end up making out with my third-cousin Hailey (she’s cute, but not cute enough for the incestual guilt, if you know what I’m saying), and (3) I’ll be rushing one of the uncles to the emergency room with a knife in his thigh and a cover story the entire family has agreed upon won’t draw police attention.
How’s your Thanksgiving going?
On this day of gratitude, I’d like to thank all of our readers, in every nook and cranny of this increasingly small world, for your unwavering support throughout the year. Without all of you, Egotastic! does not exist, and I would have to beg for my job back in the Macy’s women’s shoe department. Dear God, please do not let that happen.
As I implore you every year at this time, remember to hug the ones you like, kiss the ones you love, and think of something especially naughty involving unsaturated cooking oil with the ones you lust. Enjoy.