Scientists have mapped the Bigfoot genome and have discovered that it contains human DNA. It’s a surprising turn of events, especially as most scientists – other than a few lunatics – don’t believe Bigfoot exists. Dr. Melba S. Ketchum of Nacogdoches, TX, a veterinarian turned geneticist, announced the findings of her study on Bigfoot’s DNA. Part of the sequence is identical to Homo Sapiens DNA but the other part is of a hitherto unknown ape species. If this theory is correct it means that sometime 15,000 years ago one of our ancestors got freaky with a monkey. This in and of itself is not totally out of the realm of possibility as we modern humans have traces of neanderthal DNA from when our ancestors did the nasty with some cave hos. What is questionable is…well…the whole Bigfoot thing. Melba isn’t letting any peer review of her study, because it’s probably a load of Bigfoot crap. Where did Melba get this Bigfoot DNA? Did Sasquatch come in to the office to give blood? Then why wouldn’t she just lock him in the bathroom until she can reveal it to the world. It would be huge! It would be the biggest thing to happen in Nacogdoches since they got that Sonic.