Santa Claus has quit smoking…well…at least in Canada. A Christmas history revisionist named Pamela McColl has taken it upon herself to alter Clement Clarke Moore’s “Twas The Night Before Christmas” to make Santa a non-smoker. In the original poem Moore writes, “stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth/And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.” McColl spent $200,000 to self-publish her version that removes that line. A Vancouver publisher, stupidly named Grafton and Scratch, is now publishing her version just in time for Christmas. Besides the fact that a great piece of art like Moore’s poem shouldn’t be changed by some bored rich woman with nothing to do, why stop at Santa’s smoking?
Sure, smoking is bad for you and we know that. Santa used to advertise cigarettes back in the day, which was promptly stopped when smoking’s harmful effects were first discovered. Kids are smart and they understand that Santa may have a pipe but smoking isn’t good for you. This is the worst kind of PC revisionism and yuppie over parenting. As long as you are altering Santa, why not make him skinny? After all, obesity leads to heart disease, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. All those milk and cookies have probably made Santa an insulin dependent diabetic. The soot from all of those chimneys would have given Santa emphysema long before the pipe. What about forcing reindeer to pull his sleigh? Is P.E.T.A going to throw red paint at the Santa in the mall? What I do know is that Ms. McColl is going to receive a turd in her stocking this year. Ho, Ho, Ho, bitch.