From Equator Lines to Panty Lines: Virginity Auction Edition

Imagine my surprise. I was en route to Hawaii to inspect the factory where they make the Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil and manufacture the silicon-based android Hawaiian Tropic Calendar Girls when a freak Mile High Club accident forced the plane to make an unscheduled stop in Brazil and my fingerprints an unscheduled stop in a South American police filing cabinet. My passport was confiscated, my visa cancelled, my visa card stolen and my rear end defiled by a Brazilian corrections officer with fingers like bananas. But I always try to make the best of my international travelling and that was when I stumbled upon the website Virgins Wanted.

Apparently, 20-year-old Brazilian Catarina Migliorini, a very sexy, very un-deflowered San Paola girl was auctioning off her virginity to the highest bidder. After wiring HQ to ask for a couple hundred grand to be deposited in my account, I set off through the countryside to find this Brazilian beauty and stake my claim to one of the most important moments of her life. Unfortunately, by the time I found her, a Japanese man known only as Natsu had won the bidding with a whopping $780,000. The ten dollars my employers loaned me with an 80% interest rate, it seems, would’ve come up short anyway. 

So congrats Natsu. You now have the privilege of ‘one (1) occurrance of sexual intercourse on an in-flight airplane…in order to circumvent prostitution laws.’ How anyone could mistake this girl offering sex for money as prostitution is beyond me. Is that how we’re labeling prostitution these days? I mean–Oh, what? Oh, it is? Well piss on that. I applaud you Catarina. Just as I applaud Alexander, the gentlemen also listed on the site who sold his virginity for $3,000 to a Brazilian woman named Nene B. who I’m sure looks nothing like Ma Fratelli from The Goonies with a 70s bush resembling a tribble.

Now how can we really be sure that Catarina is, as she says, a virgin? Because I’ve been fooled before. Even when I’ve paid extra. Will Natsu be allowed a look under the hood first? These are questions that the Australian website that put the auction together leaves answerless. But I must know. I must. Unfortunately the Brazilian government has decided to return my passport under the condition that I never, ever step foot on their soil again, so I must be off now folks, with my copy of ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego’ under my arm, I return to fly the friendly skies.

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