Well imagine my surprise when I got off the hovercraft I was riding across the fjords and met my handler in Denmark. I thought I was on my way to see some of the globe's hottest women cleaning poles with their thighs or an international beauty pageant on a nude beach somewhere. But no. My journey this time would take me straight into the heart of darkness...of what it means to be a man.
Are you an international jet setting gentleman on the prowl for some some love? Do you crave the dangerously erotic and the thrill of voyeuristic delights? Do you really want a free iPhone? Then you need look no further than the Danish website Singlesex.dk and join their contest to find the man with the world's smallest junk.
That's right, by merely sending a photo of your fully aroused minuscule bait and tackle next to a measuring tape (and come on guys, none of those fraudulent black market measuring tapes), whoever comes technically in last place in the size department wins a free iPhone. But that's not all-A second winner will be crowned by a group of women who will name their own favorite (based I'm assuming on the amount of stifled laughter). The two runner-ups will then receive iPad 3s and my pity.
The erotica site's owner, Morten Fabricuius, who is I'm sure in no way doing this contest to prove something to himself, has said that 'he hoped the funny and quirky aspect of the competition would enable people to poke a little fun at a sensitive subject, and give them enough courage to post images anonymously.'
According to Wikipedia, the average erect male organ is 5.5 inches (as I breathe a sigh of relief), but Fabricuius is expecting much, much less. As the original article in RawStory.com points out, sexologist Vivi Hollaender has received images of male kickstands measuring in at barely over half-an-inch!! (Bet you wish you'd called me back now, don't you Vivi?)
The contest runs through the end of the year, so there's still time to enter! Unfortunately I won't be competing this year for obvious reasons, but you all have my support. I swear. If nothing else, this trip has made me feel a lot better about myself and I hope it's done the same for all of you!
My guide across the border's just arrived so I must be off. Hopefully this one won't shiv me in my sleep and steal my kidney like the last one.