Why don't you give yourself a break and let a machine do it instead? You know, that thing you do every night because you don't have a girlfriend or someone else who can do it for you.
Still feigning innocence? I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It's slapping the salami. Beating the meat. Spanking the monkey. Jerkin' your gerkin--need I say more?
China recognizes the need and importance of roping your own pony, even when you're too tired to do it with your own two hands. The solution? An automatic, hands-free, 'sperm extractor' machine. Of course, it wasn't made to help dudes wax their dolphins, but I'm pretty sure that's what some guys will end up doing, just because.
It's made for satisfaction too, because with the push of several buttons, you can set how fast or slow you want it go and how hard or soft (and hot or cold) you want the pumping tube to be. You can also choose to have the machine play your favorite videos on the screen if your imagination isn't enough to get your off.
The sperm extractor is now ready for action at the Zhengzhou Central Hospital in China, and each machine costs $2,800. It was actually built to help out the hospital's male infertility patients.