Someday, Maria Menounos, you'll be texting me naughty little messages during your breaks on the set of Extra. Little tidbits of intimate need-to-knows like 'No Panteez Rite Now' and 'Home @6, clothes off @6:03' and 'LOL, U R so funny I want to bang hell out of you'. And I will write back, 'Stop fucking with me Moron' because I'll know it's just my friend Marty Shinpants effin' with my mind with more fake texts. Still, for that half-second before my rational mind kicks in, I will be in Heaven.
I love you, Maria. Someday, when you see my three-story indoor shrine to you, the elaborate tattoos of you and me riding a unicorn in the sky on my body, and the hair of yours that fell off at The Grove that I wear baked into a clay amulet around my neck 24x7, that I'm not like all your other stalkers. I'm the biggest. Enjoy.