The closest thing I’ve come to a marathon is that time I watched the entire Saw franchise from beginning to end last Halloween. And let me tell you, it was quite the workout. Maybe what’s always been keeping me from hitting the track is the fact that professional sports frown on binge drinking while in competition. But as this video from TMZ shows, all that’s about to change.
Olympic athlete Nick Symmonds manages to put down four beers while running a mile in less than 5:20. Be sure to check out his form: Constant chugging, good rhythm, no spillage. A perfect ten if I’ve ever seen one. Might this mean that the International Olympic Committee will finally take my petition to allow drinking-related athletics into serious competition? Despite their cease and desist letters? Take a look at these brilliant boozy new sports:
As I explained to them repeatedly, Who wouldn’t want to watch Shot Glass Swimming? Every athlete must do a shot of Jack when they get to the other end of the pool. By the ninth lap, you may have lost a swimmer or two at the bottom of the pool, but the remaining survivors will have a tremendous buzz. Or Keg Stand Gymnastics? Having to maneuver in a handstand from one keg to another, never letting the tap fall from your lips. And lest we forget Beer Helmet Boxing, in which you need to drink an entire helmet while your opponent pummels you with his fists and doesn’t stop until you’ve taken down every drop.
That’s how you get higher ratings NBC. That’s how.