Spend Eternity In Your Own Creepy Severed Head

Do you want to spend eternity in a creepy version of your own head? Well, you are in luck, ya sicko! A company called Cremation Solutions out of Vermont can hook you up. For only $2600, they create personalized urns for the dirt version of yourself that look like your decapitated head on a nice marble plaque. Your loved ones need only send them a few pics of you from different angles and they create a 3D sculpture out of hard plastic. You then simply open their cranium and deposit uncle Charlie. The hair is painted on if short or they glue REAL HUMAN HAIR on the bust if it’s long. If you visit their site, you can see a sample using President Obama. I’m sure the Secret Service won’t be paying them a visit or anything.

Look, I’ve lost plenty of people close to me from my grandfather to a beloved pet. I understand the desire to hold on to them. But do you really want to pass the dead, soulless, plastic, severed head of dear old dad? Your dad worked at Arby’s, he not an ancient king that needs to be immortalized. The site also offers the option of creating a celebrity head for your urn. I find this even more perverse. Let’s say that I really like Full House‘s John Stamos and I wanted to spend all of eternity in his head, (I’d opt for his mulletted visage from 1989). It’s one thing to create a disturbing cranial sepulchre out of your own head, but from a stranger? I didn’t get Stamos’ permission to do that. Could he sue my estate for filling up his image with my crispy bits? He totally should. Serves me right for being a demented weirdo who wants to be buried like a pharaoh in Uncle Jessie’s head.

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