Shigeru Miyamoto’s progeny has attained renown that rivals those excruciating boy bands that yodel in falsetto and thrust their hairless crotches around with Michael Jackson-esque abandon. Mario has now effectively permeated popular culture, in tandem with his reputation as a bastion of the gaming industry. Obscure Amazon forest tribes, having been bereft of non tree-folk (to wit: Ents, presumably) for decades, will recognize his image. They’ll accuse you of malevolent attempts to purloin their very souls with your heathen ‘cell phones’ and... 'shoes’, and possibly attempt to ward you off by throwing their feces at you, but they’ll RECOGNIZE. The hirsute hero has featured in excess of 200 titles, from starring roles to crowd-cameos. With the following in mind, we have to ponder how the hell he accrued this monumental total.
Does the moustachioed maestro look even remotely akin to an action hero of any guise, ever? We’d venture: does he balls. Particularly with his fledgling appearance (image from classicretrogames) in mind, he’s rather a pitiful sight. Diminutive and portly, dungaree-festooned, with a nose like the beak of a magnificent eagle. In summation, you would have to conclude that a singular valiant mission from the couch to the refrigerator would cause his demeaning demise. Essentially, we’re presented with the logical fallacy of enlisting the fatass super from our building (who whiles away much of the day getting drunk and masturbating) for a crucial hostage-princess-rescue mission.
Exacerbating the problem further, he was also known originally by the moronic moniker ‘Jumpman,’ and his illustrious outfit is the result of the designer’s inability to create hair and clothing colors effectively (so legendary gaming lore attests). You’d be forgiven for the impetuous conclusion that this obscure-looking character sucks gigantic gorilla balls.
Conversely, it’s these same humble dropping a fatass halfwit monkey on his blood-bleeding cranium to rescue Pauline (whoever she was) days that cultivated Mario’s future eminence. The kidnap-as-narrative-catalyst mechanic is but par for the course in the Mario series, nary a Mushroom Kingdom day will pass without Bowser plotting some vengeful bastardry to this end. As the trusty adage goes, if it isn’t broken, don’t take it into the garage on an overcast weekend afternoon and dick around with a hammer for a few hours to avoid your wife’s incessant nagging. The concept is as inherent to the games as the eponymous plumber himself. Alongside a generous dose of wanton invention in the level design and more garish primary colors than you’ll see in a daycare’s painting area, this has all served to create some of the most deftly-crafted platforming travails in gaming history.
Nostalgia infusion created by Makotron.
While success in his innumerable sporting endeavors has been rather more contentious, the main series is further notable for its great successes in the realm of three glorious dimensions. The likes of Super Mario 64 and the Galaxy titles (image from nintendojo) represent a feat beyond the pale for erstwhile rival Sonic, for instance (The blue bastard sniffs the air in a fleetingly optimistic manner at the mention of his name, realizes he’s still an ass, and lays dejectedly back in the heap of his own shit he was wallowing in). As such, some mascot’s prestigious pasts could be argued to be just that, while the star of gaming’s original Knight in Red and Blue 100% Cotton Armor (with sewer shitstains) continues on its inexorable celestial course.
For demonstrating with such aplomb that the quintessential everyman lazy guy holds the potential for heroics too (once he’s hauled his ass off the sofa), we salute this guy and await his offerings for the upcoming Wii U. In the meantime, enjoy the above shenanigans on the death slide clip; while the latest from New Super Mario Bros Wii U can be found right here: