Nintendo Teases Names of Wii U Launch Titles, Laughable Guesses Ensue

Much is expected from Nintendo at this year’s prestigious E3 event. The company have been beset by criticism for their recent ungainly treatment of the 3DS, and the first annual losses in their (generally) illustrious history. Additionally, the opening salvo from the next-generation console brigade is afoot with Wii U. As such, any maladroit manoeuvres at this most crucial of junctures is sure to cost The Oversized Novelty N dearly. In short, dramatic shenanigans indeed are called for from Nintendo in Los Angeles. (Trapeze artists? Trapeze artists, juggling enraged wolverines on a tightrope suspended between two blimps? While NOA President/Ubiquitous Terminator man-beast Reggie Fils-Aime astounds the crowds still further by engaging all comers at genital-wrestling in a pit? All of this wonderment and more, I’ll wager.)

As such, our friends from the Land of the Rising Sun have already begun fervently advertising their upcoming console, before the multitudes of sweaty guys have even arrived at the show. A few days ago, the Wii U’s official facebook page posted three enigmatic scratchcard panel images, with the tantalizing title, ‘Guess what the initial game releases will be for Nintendo’s new home console, Wii U? Soon we’ll scratch off to reveal the names!’ Each of these delectable silver mysteries is a different character-length, causing a frankly remarkable range of guesses. Possibilities fans have ventured thus far include:

-Pikmin: Suburban Invasion
-Mario Kart Universe
-Shut Up and Take My Money (which alas, is one character too many. Close but no cigar, internet guy.)
- A sequel to the magnificent Eternal Darkness
- New Super Mario Bros Wii U (If this isn’t involved, I’ll personally have my own balls removed and donate them to a homeless guy; to be sold to an unscrupulous medical practitioner developing some terrifying new Frankenstein’s monster. Aforementioned homeless guy gets money for dangerous narcotics and booze, doctor gets a nutsack for his anomalous man-freak, I’m left ball-less. Everyone wins.)

(Quick disclaimer- don't hold me to that.)

Which of these, if any, are even remotely in the vicinity of the ballpark marked ‘correct’? Find out in the coming days, as Egotastic! covers all the best of E3. In the meantime, delectate your delectation-glands with this intro video for Wii U, following the reveal at least year’s show: