New ZombiU Gameplay Demonstrates the Ungainly Majesty of Wii U’s GamePad (VIDEO)

IN THE CRUMBLING LEPROUS FACE! Like the heroes of yore.

Survival horror title and speculative Wii U launch release ZombiU has shown us a tantalising scarcity of details thus far. It has been gaming’s proverbial Renaissance painting, insisting on obscuring the subject’s fine sans-clothing form with ass-length hair or a deftly-placed piece of scenery. Or, indeed, terrible 70‘s porn, and its penchant for the canny placement of bits of elastoplast to ensure nobody’s modesty is compromised (modesty, of course, being paramount for those featured. They’re a timid, retiring folk, I’m sure. When they aren’t thrusting their genitalia around for a camera’s delectation). Which is fine for connoisseurs of artistic composition/pretentious bearded bastards in galleries worldwide. Sometimes, though, you must demand the pure, unhindered by handbra lady-parts of a game. To wit, that which is being launched in thunderous volleys toward your squelching eye-meat above.

Since the chunk-tacular GamePad of the Wii U was first shown, a pertinent function of that there fatass screen, ma has been inventory management. Tasks that could be performed down below (Silence. That quasi-joke was indeed necessary!) would aid with the integration aspect while simultaneously allowing television-space to gambol freely with reckless abandon. (Much like Bambi’s mother before some bastard shot her in the ass, and my childhood died in a cringing fetal position.) As such, this latest ZombiU footage endeavours to emphasize how this functionality will be utilized. Witness such delights as Metroid Prime-esque scanning, the promised wanton item-flailing, and aiming and firing a crossbow at some moronic shambler’s eye socket.

All with simple pokes of a gargantuan controller. What a time to be alive.