DC comics announced yesterday that they will force one of their characters out of the closet. This is pretty huge. No mainstream comic company has done this with one of their title characters. I think that’s pretty cool. If homosexuals can get married, why shouldn’t they fight super villains with death rays from their eyes or whatever? No one knows which character is going to be the token gay dude/lesbian. Here are some possibilities for DC’s first homosexual character.
Let’s face it; Aquaman is the gayest superhero of them all. He wears a skin-tight orange suit and spends his days frolicking in the ocean with Sebastian the crab or whoever. He has without a doubt has the lamest superpower ever. He can control the ocean and talk to fish. Wow. What if the villain is in Ohio? This is the safest bet for DC’s gay character as NO ONE would be surprised if Aquaman were a friend of Dorothy.
Yeah, I said it. Bruce Wayne wouldn’t be the effete type of gay dude but rather one of those rough trade leather daddies you might see at clubs called “Chain Gang” or “Spike”. He spends his days hanging out with Robin, a young boy in tights who is a twink bottom if I’ve ever seen one. Why would a grown man live with a teenage boy who isn't related to him? That's the kind of thing they call CPS to investigate. Perhaps Batman’s anger comes from his having to hide who he really is? The gayest Batman would probably be the Joel Schumacher version from Batman and Robin. Nipples on a rubber suit? Really?
Wonder Woman comes from the island of the Amazons, which is populated only by women. At some point those ladies must have gone the Sapphic route. Wonder Woman has lived for years in the outside world, but never seemed interested in a relationship. She prefers to tie men up and make them tell the truth. She might not be a lesbian but she’s definitely into bondage.
Nice cape, sista. You know you’ve always wondered about him and Jimmy Olsen, the long lingering looks between him and Lex Luther, and why he always wears shiny red boots. Would you really be surprised? “But he is in love with Louis Lane,” you might say. Is he really or is she just a convincing beard? Superman is like one of those straight-laced all-American good ‘ol boys you knew in high school who later moved to San Francisco with a guy named Chuck.
Even as a kid, my Gaydar went off with The Flash. Besides his form fitting suit and washboard abs, there are those little wings on the side of his headgear. We all know that the key to any outfit is the accessories. Gold wings go great with red spandex. The Flash’s power is that he can run really fast. But what’s he really running away from? Himself, perhaps?
Article By Jack Tomas