It is with a heavy heart that we announce the breaking up of Sofia Vergara and the rich dude from Florida she's been dating for the past couple of years or more. Sadly, Sofia Vergara announced through her spokes little people that she is once again single and available for a brand new shtupping partner.
Not only are we in line for that job, but have been camping out waiting at the front of the line for two years now, so, Sofia, my Colombian sweetheart, call me, now. Don't hesitate. We can bake chocolate chip cookies together, watch sad romantic movies and have a great cry, or just procreate like rabbits until our private parts fall off from excessive wear and tear. I have my choice among those, but you make the call. Now, make the call.