Sad But True Easter Facts You Might Not Know

Spring is in the air where I live in New York City. The trees are blooming, the junkies are smiling, and the hipsters are just a tad less ironic. Why? Because it’s Easter! Who could be sad at Easter? It’s a day dedicated to bunnies and chocolate and stuff. Who doesn’t like chocolates and bunnies? No one you should be associating with, my friend.

When we are growing up, we rarely question the traditions we are brought up with. When we were ten and running around in a sugar induced manic episode brought on by eating the orgy of candy in our Easter baskets, we never asked, “Hey…Why do we celebrate Easter…like this?” It’s a good question. Why do we commemorate the brutal execution and resurrection of a Jewish rabbi 2000 years ago by eating candy? Gather around my little lambs, here are 5 fun Easter facts:

Easter Is A Pagan Holiday

The early Church was ingenious in how it incorporated local pagan traditions. People like stability. They like doing the same thing every year. That’s why your parents went to that time share in Florida every year even though it sucked and was full of mosquitoes. The Pagan people of Europe were fine with converting to Christianity, they just didn’t want to give up their festivals. So, the Church took a spring festival dedicated to the ancient Anglo-Saxon goddess Eastre and made it a celebration of Christ’s resurrection. Why the eggs? Well…

The Bunny And The Eggs Are Fertility Symbols

Eastre, the goddess of spring and renewal, was always depicted surrounded by rabbits and eggs. Why? Because she was the goddess of fertility. Back in the day, the pagans of Europe would have mad orgies in the forests to celebrate the birth of spring. It is the time in which the Earth’s fertility is renewed and nature is born again after its “death” in winter. Eggs hatch new life and bunnies like to bone more than Kim Kardashian in a NFL locker room. What that has to do with the celibate carpenter from Nazareth is anyone’s guess.

Jesus Is Neither A Vampire Or A Zombie

I got in trouble when I was 15 for implying that Jesus was like a zombie because he rose from the grave and started walking around. After my theology teacher yelled at me, I asked “Well, is he more like a vampire, then?” Then I got detention. I have it from good authority that Jesus is neither a zombie nor a vampire. Yes, he died and rose from the dead, so in that sense he is “undead”. However, he does not infect people with either the vampire or zombie viruses by biting them. He also doesn’t eat brains, wear a cape, or glitter in the sun and compete for the love of a whiny girl with a werewolf. 

 We Eat A Lot Of Easter Candy

Americans love to eat. If our country had a body, it would need to buy pants with elastic waistbands. Next to Halloween, Easter is the most profitable time for candy corporations. Every year we spend 2 billion dollars in Easter treats. That amounts to over 7 billion pounds of Chicken Peeps, Cadbury Cream Eggs, and type 2 diabetes. Peter Cottontail is going to have to take a couple more hops down the bunny trail to work that off.

How You Eat Your Chocolate Bunny Says A Lot

Apparently, psychologists have put a lot of thought into the meaning behind the way people eat their chocolate bunnies. If you eat the tail first, you have latent homosexual tendencies. If you eat the ears first, you are looking for someone to listen to you. If you eat the feet first, you have low self-esteem. I wonder what it means if you eat his eyes first so he stops looking at you?

Article By Jack Tomas
http://www.jacktomas.com >

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