As you may know, after Kate Middleton becomes the Queen of England, she and I have a secret plan to abscond with her from the castle and take her to the woods to be my rebel hottie squeeze. The plan is so secret that not even Kate knows about it yet, only my allergists, the right and honorable Dr. Franz Ketchum, who has been inoculating me with various antibodies for several months now so my peat moss allergies won’t cause me undue discomfort when I do abscond to a woodland environment.
I can’t remember a royal that I just liked leering at so much as the Duchess of Cambridge. Out at a screening for the film African Cats, with Prince Bill somewhere in tow, Kate just compels me to want to scale her battlements and enter her humid castle keep with my lance extended. That’s it, I’ve run out of crude analogies. Enjoy.