When I got into this business, I made myself two promises. First, I wasn’t ever going back to jail for stealing women’s panties from a display window at a surprisingly well monitored boutique, guys in for panties theft just don’t do well after lockdown, and, second, I’d never ever compare a fat celebrity to an Ewok. Not that I haven’t had the inkling to do both over the years, but I’ve managed to keep my bond with the man in the mirror.
Now, I’m afraid I’ve been forced to back pedal from that sacred vow, courtesy of the ginormous Jessica Simpson, who is no longer simply measured in inches or feet, but in terms of how many 1970′s era cookie cutter municipal baseball stadiums she comprises. Currently, we’re at Riverfront plus Busch Memorial plus half of Milwaukee County Stadium in terms of girth. Let’s just agree that she’s become a rather large lady.
Anybody within the Sherman Oaks area of Los Angeles of late has spotted the behemoth trolling the various dining facilities along Ventura Boulevard in search of continuous sustenance for what must surely be 12-17 fully-formed fetuses about to be birthed through her dilated mucket.
Over the weekend, Jessica endured the pouring rain to grab BBQ from Boneyard Bistro. Mmm, ribs.
Simple message of caution: do not get between this Ewok and her BBQ, because forty lbs. of nourishment is going down mamas gullet one way or another and you’ll be wanting to keep your legs.