How To Survive The Robocalypse

Of all the end of the world scenarios, the most likely is the robocalypse. This is when machines become sentient and decide to wipe us off the face of the Earth. Roboticists call this moment the singularity, but you can call it the end of all life. Impossible? Scientists have just created a transistor the size of an atom, meaning that an almost infinite amount of transistors can now be put on a circuit board. It’s only a matter of time before computers can do anything we can do, only better. Though the robocalypse is inevitable, there are some things you can do to protect yourself. Here is our quick survival guide.

Get A Crowbar And Smash The Sensors

Several years ago I read the book How To Survive A Robot Uprising by Daniel H. Wilson. The main lesson I gleaned from this how-to manual, is that robots can’t see if you break their sensors. If you were in a fight with a human and you take out their eyes and ears, they won’t be able to touch you. Same with robots. So, if your personal robo-slave turns on you, just take a crowbar and smash whatever sensors, dishes, and diodes it uses to collect information.

Teach It To Love

If sci-fi movies have taught me anything it’s that robots can’t feel love…but they want to. That most irrational of human emotions is the one thing that robots can’t compute. Our ability to love is the thing that makes us most human. Make no mistake, robots envy our ability to feel. If you can somehow get these death machines to feel friendship or whatever it will make it hard to kill you.

Learn How To Shoot At Night With Sunglasses On

Most robot battles happen at night. That’s because they know that we can’t see as well and/or the nuclear Armageddon blotted out the sun. But that’s no excuse to not look cool. If The Terminator, The Matrix, and I Am Robot taught me anything it’s that the only way to fight robots is with sunglasses on. It’s not easy to hit a moving target in the dark while wearing shades. It’s important to practice. Try playing Duck Hunt with all the lights turned off and a pair of Ray Bans on.

Make A Robo-Suit

Sometimes you are going to need to go outside to get supplies. The best way to get passed their defenses is to blend in. A couple of boxes, some cardboard tube arms, and a couple of rolls of tin foil and you’ve got yourself a robo-suit. It’s not a very convincing outfit, but robots are really stupid for advanced machines.

Keep A Virus Handy

Robots are just computers with legs and machine gun hands. Like all computers they can be shut down by viruses. Simply plug a jump drive into your mom’s computer and let get it nice and infected. No one can ruin a computer like a mom. Just upload the mom virus into the robot’s network and watch the entire robo-army shut down with pop-up ads and spam.

Article By Jack Tomas >