Ten years ago to this very day (I think this very day, plus or minus a day, I mean, acid and age have taken their obvious toll on my B-minus G.P.A. brain), my bocce ball league teammate, Veals Parker, had a friend who had a cousin who was banging a dude who worked at Paramount Studios, who got us an advanced viewing opportunity of this movie called, The Gift. And, oh, what a gift indeed.
Before Kim Kardashian was ever blanketed in urine (on film at least), before Britney Spears commandoed her vajayjay for all the world to see, before Egotastic! was even born, there was the sweet and sexy Katie Holmes on screen flashing full frontal boobity. I just about died. Inspiration! What amazing fun bags on the young rising actress. And, now, a sad sad reminder of how Tom Cruise has shackled and buried Katie Holmes sextasticness in a lockbox stored inside a safe buried beneath a giant boulder in the molten hot center of Xenu’s volcano. Bring back your gift, Katie. Bring it back. Please.