Madonna Dumps Britney Spears for Lindsay Lohan

Hey Lindsay, don’t you feel special now? I bet you do. Must be nice to know that you rank higher than Britney Spears, at least in the eyes of Madonna that is (though anyone who thinks anything good about Britney Spears is pretty fucked in the head if you ask me).

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, MSNBC’s The Scoop is reporting that Madonna has ended her friendship with Britney Spears in favour of one with Linsday Lohan. But the why is the eral crux of it. Madonna dumped Britney, not because she’s turned into a disgusting, redneck mess. No, her reasons are much deeper.

Is she against Britney’s stance on child safety? No. Is she afraid of contracting some disease by just standing near Britney? No. Is she utterly repulsed by Britney’s choice in men? No. Madonna has dumped Britney, because Britney dumped Kabbalah.

That’s right, the one sane thing Britney Spears has done in recent memory is what has Madonna ticked off. And since Lindsay Lohan’s young, impressionable mind is still so susceptible to the latest Hollywood crap trend, she’s jumped on board the red-bracelet-wearing cult, and Madonna loves her for it.

Lohan recently acknowledged that she was “looking into Kabbalah,” and now, Madonna wants to sing a duet with the potential convert, according to In Touch Weekly.

“Madonna’s giving Lindsay advice on her music career, and she wants to work on a film with Madonna, too!” an insider told the mag. The source says the two talk a few times a week and are planning a “spiritual journey” once Madonna’s current tour is over. “They’re going to visit the Holy Land,” the insider says.

See it doesn’t take that much to get ahead in Hollywood. Just a pretty face, a great set of tits, and the willingness to completely subvert your entire personality in hopes that someone equally as vain, but marginally more influential will take care of you. Done and Done.